ilmapatsas:

toastyglow:

toastyglow:

holy shit guys!!!!  accepting that you want something for yourself makes it easier to give to other people!!!!!!!

guess what it’s normal to like, want, and enjoy attention. it’s normal, you deserve it, and the sooner you accept that the happier you’ll be also the easier it’ll be to give love and attention to others. I know your brain’s like “but if I allow myself too much I’ll get complacent and selfish”, but actually no, and also fuck that, stop wasting energy trying to make yourself sadder. if you have trouble filtering or forget about others’ needs sometimes, I get wanting to work on that but goddamnit it doesn’t have to come at the price of eclipsing your personality and passions!! hey!!!!

so i’ve been thinking abt this post… i have a long history of depression and i think the most important realization that helped me get better was that my inability to care for myself, clean my house, to complete school tasks, etc. was paradoxically a form of self-denial

i thought that me sitting on my butt and being comfortable was me just being irresponsible/lazy and entertaining my whims, but actually it was bc i didn’t realize that i deserve a clean home, i deserve to be taken care of, i deserve to accomplish my goals and crucially, that i am worth the effort that all of that takes

like… when i was at rock bottom i tipped over a container of salt onto my rug and the vacuum cleaner was broken, and essentially went “oh, well… to clean that, i would have to fix the vacuum cleaner and everything… i don’t want to make a fuss, i’m sure i have better things to do… it’s fine, i can walk around it, i don’t mind it, really”. like no, i didn’t want the salt there, but the effort of cleaning it up felt like an unreasonable demand, like an imposition or an inconvenience.and then for like weeks i just lived walking around a slowly spreading pile of salt in the middle of my damn room.

and then something just clicked. i realized that what i was doing was that i had been so deeply taught to ignore my own needs, to not speak up, to not impose, to not cause an inconvenience, that i was doing that to myself. that i had been raised by people who didn’t care and who didn’t have the time and who would rather i just stay quiet in my room and not bother them with my frivolous wants like help and love and care, and now i was treating myself the exact same way. when i was little, if i wanted something, it was wrong and petty and unnecessary and i had nobody to ask for what i wanted.

and i realized that i’m grown up now and i can always ask me. i’m here, and i have time and i care. and i’m allowed to be so petty as to put myself through the whole effort of fixing a vacuum cleaner just to have my room be nicer, and i can absolutely care about myself enough to do it. it’s an effort, and it’s worth it. it’s not an imposition or an inconvenience for me to take care of my needs. it’s what i do. it’s all i’m on this earth to do.

7 months ago | 05:03am
4,987 notes

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